Notchweiner

Records are made to be broken. If you don’t believe us, just take a look at our dad’s old LP collection the day we got into his toolbox and played “smashy” with his hammer. That was a dark, dark day in the Notchweiner household.

The record we were referring to is the one held for world’s fastest stock Pontiac GTO. Our own Quentin Brown shattered the previous record of 13.01@105 (pffff, our grandpa can go that fast in his wheelchair, and he’s dead) and ran a quarter mile in 12.98 seconds at 107 miles per hour. In case you’re wondering, the technical term for that is “really damn fast.”

That’s not the only contest Quentin won either. On the way to Las Vegas, his car also drove the longest distance on one tank of gas, earning him the aptly titled “Numbest Butt Award.” Which, by the way, we think is one of the best trophy titles out there.

For being the fastest man alive (while driving a stock Pontiac GTO), Quentin won a $600 gift card from Haddad Motorsports, which he quickly spent on new brakes. We’re not sure why someone would pay for brakes when walls and trees are free, but we’re not the car experts he is. We’ll just assume they’re some necessary component to the flux capacitor (or whatever powers cars these days).

Congratulations on setting a new world record, Quentin. We wish you a long happy career as a designer/driver. Just don’t ever be late to work. We’ll know it wasn’t because of your car.